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The Kind of Author I Don't Want to Be
In the laws of probability, you knew it was a given. At some point or another, in your experience as an editor, you would have your first encounter with, drum roll, please, that dreaded creature, "The Author From Hell," now playing in your life! Warning! This creature appears in various forms with various defining characteristics. The first type of author from hell is "The Overanxious Author." This author worries about every detail, and you receive at least an e-mail a day from this person asking questions or telling you tidbits about every detail of either his life or his book. If you are delayed for some reason in getting as far into the book in a given period of time as the author thinks you should be, he will become paranoid that his book is not good enough, and it’s taking you longer because you are finding so many errors. This author constantly wants to know timetables on every aspect of the editing and printing process. He sends you each of his additional book parts, such as the preface and the foreword, with detailed explanations of the writer and his life, or why he dedicated his book to this particular person, or he asks you about every decision in his writing. Should I use "which" or "that" would be one of his many questions. He lacks confidence in his ability, and it is amazing that he ever wrote a book on his own. This author also shares characteristics of another type of author from hell: the overachiever. "The Overachieving Author," similar to the overanxious author, has two defining characteristics that are different from "The Overanxious Author." He has confidence in himself, and he is a perfectionist, so if you tell him to write two paragraphs for his biographic sketch, then there will be two paragraphs. If you tell "The Overachieving Author" that his dedication must have fifty-one and a half words, then the dedication page will have exactly fifty-one and a half words. "The Overachieving Author" likes to impress you and do all his assignments perfectly—probably not just on time, but early. "The Overachieving Author" does not ask as many questions about process as he does about deadlines. He has the confidence to create the piece; he just wants to submit it before the deadline so he doesn’t get in trouble. Opposite of "The Overachieving Author" is "The Procrastinating Author." The author who is a procrastinator will tell you he is going to write his dedication and his acknowledgement page, or he will tell you he will have his blurbs and his foreword by next Tuesday. You might be lucky to get his items by the end of your last edit. And, getting "The Procrastinating Author" to edit his manuscript is like writing a novel with a feather and a bottle of ink. He may tell you he’s working on it, but he keeps putting it off, and offers all kinds of excuses about his job and his life. You wonder if he even wants to get his book published! One of the most challenging authors to you, as an editor, is "The Oblivious Illiterate Author." Somehow this author’s manuscript crawled into the publishing world, and you know if this person’s manuscript made it, the one you’ve been laboring over for years has a chance of being a bestseller. "The Oblivious Illiterate Author" is so excited to get his book published. He never dreamed it would happen; neither would you have dreamed up this manuscript. You know this author was an average high school English student at best. The sentences are simple and choppy. There is no evident style in his writing. In short, you feel like you are writing the book for this person. As you try to kindly and subtly explain his problems, all you want to say is that perhaps he should go back to high school and get it right this time. He still doesn’t comprehend. He thinks you are "The Editor From Hell" because you make constructive critical suggestions on how he should improve his style, such as having a beginning, middle, and an end to his convoluted story. That would be a start! You can suggest a ghostwriter, but unless the author truly recognizes his writing isn’t anywhere in the same league as Tom Clancy or Patricia Cornwell, then there’s not much more you can do with this author from hell. Probably one of the worst authors from hell to accept is "The Unappreciative Author." This author is curt in his replies to your suggestions or comments. He acts as though you should drop whatever you are doing and answer his questions immediately. His manuscript may be excellent and on its way to being a bestseller, in your opinion, but his ego far surpasses the money he might make. His head is so big you wonder how he can hold its weight on his skinny little neck that you would like to wring more than once during his editing process. His demands on your time are of no concern to him, and to say thank you to you for all your time in answering his questions, editing his manuscript, and researching his cover design might be too taxing on the image he projects of himself. Face it. You are a lowly peon to his kingly throne! If any of these authors sound familiar, then you have experienced the author from hell. There may be others that could be added to this list. Feel free to compose your own. It’s really good therapy, because only through analyzing the authors from hell can you figure out how to help them. And remember all those things your mother taught you in dealing with unpleasant people. Turn the other cheek because a penny saved (or in our case, a relationship with an author saved) is a penny earned. Jingle, jingle. By Amy Quirouet, an editor for American Book Publishing. © 2005 American Book Publishing™ *All other trademarks used by permission. All rights reserved. Privacy Policy and
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